I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We have started to decorate penises.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
