Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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