we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
