Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize