There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize