I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
