There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
