Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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