Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
