Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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