My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
