Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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