Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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