She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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