Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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