i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
