my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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