I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize