I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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