i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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