$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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