does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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