life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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