it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
