Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
