ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You dont lie about slip and slides
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
