I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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