he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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