Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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