Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
