I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
