i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
