Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm bleeding and have questions
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
