Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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