you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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