i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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