i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
