Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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