I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
