He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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