tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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