He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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