i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
