i permit you to call me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
