you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
