youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
