I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
