we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
