So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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