i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
