don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
