You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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