I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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